Friday, 3 April 2009


SO big man Barack turned up in London from the US this week —and did you see what he brought with him? Five hundred staff, a flipping huge chopper (by which I mean a big helicopter) and the coolest car going. That’s travelling in style. President Obama not only had political advisers along, he also had people to do his hair and 200 security guards. He even brought a surgeon, other medical staff and several drivers to take him round in his one-of-a-kind Chrysler known as “The Beast”. It comes with some pretty funky features that certainly aren’t standard. These include bullet-proof glass, oxygen cylinders and even a tear-gas cannon. Watch and weep. I envy him. When I drive myself down to Parliament every week, I’m lucky if I get a hitchhiker for company and a packet of Wotsits for lunch. And while Barack’s got a mobile hospital, if I feel off-colour I have to take a couple of Aspirin and take a snooze in a motorway service station.
Still, I’m not complaining. I don’t get chased by terrorists, and don’t spend every day of my life listening to other world leaders telling me everything’s my fault and asked if could I lend them a couple of billion dollars. The fact Mr O visited the UK as his first presidential port of call is good for Anglo-American relations. But when you’ve got friends as swanky as the Obamas, next time Gordy goes West, he’d better not turn up in a Ford Cortina and with a bad haircut.
AS I predicted in last week’s Daily Sport, it went mental in London during the G20 summit. That was a conference of heads of state from around the world. They came to figure out what to do about the collapsing global economy. Lots of peaceful protesters were understandably annoyed at bankers and they tried to make their point. Sadly, the usual “rent-a-mob” was also out in force. These loopy anarchists attacked police and smashed property. They turned a legitimate protest into a mini-riot. By trashing public property they cost the taxpayer tons of cash— despite having no clear cause or demands, apart from just being angry about everything. I’m all in favour of protesting but the most effective way is to say what you want, express yourself clearly and make a big noise about it… Don’t go about destroying public property and beating up bobbies who, after all, are just doing their job. Fair play to the protesters who stood up for real issues like poverty and climate change. But shame on the handful who took it upon themselves to commit mindless violence. If that’s their idea of democracy, they’re living in the wrong country.
NOW, be honest. Have you ever watched an “adult film”? Of course you have. But I bet that fact never showed up on the front page of every newspaper. So pity our Home Secretary Jacqui Smith, whose husband was exposed for having a butchers at blue movies while she was away on business. The story came out because they’d claimed the cost of the videos on Parliamentary expenses. Is it a scandal? Oh come on! The expenses thing was obviously just a careless mistake— the blue movies were buried in part of a general television bill or something. So, for once, leave Citizen Smith alone. And as for you, Mr Smith, next time order it through the Daily Sport, mate—and DON’T claim it on expenses.
THINGS have been tense recently between North Korea and South Korea. While they share a name, they’re totally separate countries. North Korea is a communist dictatorship, while South Korea is a democratic free market. Now Communist North Korea, which has atom bombs, is planning a big “missile test”. That’s the political equivalent of taking your willy out and shaking it about in front of your neighbours. To make things worse, there’s been arguing and scrapping along their border for months. That’s why tensions were high when, on Wednesday, the Korean rivals played against each other in a football World Cup qualifier. This match could have ended with a very bad nuclear bang. Amazingly, the Northerners went South and had a nice time. The South won 1-0 but the threatened trouble didn’t arise. I’m relieved it went well. As we know, football rivalries can drive a wedge between people. It’s one reason Argentina and England aren’t best pals. But they can also bring nations together. Hopefully, this Korean derby can be a turning point in relations. After all, if they don’t have a fight over football, the rest must surely be a breeze.

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