Time for Gord to be a wise guy

WESTMINSTER’S usual business stopped for the “State Opening of Parliament” on Wednesday. It’s an impressive show, with lots of pomp and ceremony, including a Royal parade from Buckingham Palace to the House of Lords. The Queen sits on a big gold throne, then she reads out the government’s plans for the coming year. Although it’s called the Queen’s Speech, she doesn’t write it, the Prime Minister does. But, I wonder if she’s tempted to add bits in like, “My government has decided to give everyone free ice cream in February,” or “Katie Price will be detained in the Tower of London indefinitely”. There are only 70 working days of parliamentary time left before the nation goes to the polls next May. It’s the same length as a series of Big Brother. And just like BB, you decide who stays and who gets the boot. The Lib Dems called for the Queen’s Speech to be cancelled because whatever Labour say, they won’t have time to do it. But there is time for one more thing, bringing our troops back from Afghanistan. Daily Sport was the first paper to say we should leave this un-winnable war. I agree. We should get out before we lose more troops. If Gordon Brown wants to spend the next six months wisely, he’ll bring our boys and girls home. That alone would make this very short parliamentary session well worth it.

Truss issue for Tories

WITH the election so close you’d think the Tories would be taking on Labour. But, nope, they’re busy fighting THEMSELVES about each other’s private lives! Dangerous Davey Cameron has an A-list of candidates, which includes women and ethnic minorities. One’s a lively lady by name of Elizabeth Truss who’s fighting for the South West Norfolk Seat. Apparently, the local Tory branch went mental because Liz failed to mention she’d had a fling with a Conservative MP. Local Tories claimed they had been “betrayed” by Conservative HQ (who knew about the affair) and tried to stop her standing. Oh, for goodness sake! What does it matter? Her love life is no more relevant than her favourite food, or her view on the Offside Rule. Also, if local Conservative Party branches are so obsessed with who loves who, they’ll look pretty out of touch at the next election. I don’t know Ms Truss personally. But as far as “hanky panky” goes, her own team should back off big time. Our Tory chums still have a few lessons to learn.

Colonel Pimp

TWO hundred young Italian ladies were left very confused this week after an exclusive knees-up in Rome turned out slightly unexpectedly. They’d been recruited to attend the bash with a mysterious un-named VIP. Each woman was chosen because she was between 18-35, at least 1.7m tall and suitably “beautiful”. They were taken to a posh venue where they probably thought they’d rub shoulders with Hollywood film stars or top sportsmen—but no! The host was Libyan dictator Colonel Gaddafi, in Rome on a state visit. He made a long speech to “convert” the girls to Islam before sending them home with 50 euros and a copy of the Koran. It seems the likeable Libyan — a devout Muslim—was trying to poach Italy’s finest. I don’t think it would work over here. Short skirts, high heels and low-cut tops were specifically banned, so none of the Sport girls are likely to end up as Mrs Gaddafi anytime soon.

Dodgy donations

UNSURE of what to get the missus for Christmas? Got a spare £20 knocking around? If so, yo u can give her the ideal gift...a donation to the government! Sound weird? Too right it is! The bizarre idea comes from the Charities Advisory Trust — usually a very sensible group. They run a magazine where you can buy things like goats, chickens and wells for poor villages in Africa — all in the name of a friend or loved one. They send a certificate to show where the “present” has gone and how it’s helping those in need. It’s a nice scheme. It makes people feel good and helps the world’s poorest. But this year they’ve expanded the “gifts” available to include a £20 voucher to “help whittle down the national debt”. Basically, you hand over your 20 notes, and it ends up in HM Treasury… and your other half is meant to feel happy because Britain’s less poor — in her name. I’ve got two problems with this. Firstly, it’s just stupid – I doubt your lass will thank you for giving her present to the Chancellor. And secondly, the national debt currently stands at 825 BILLION QUID... with only £500 worth of vouchers sold so far. Just buy her a bottle of Baileys and some flowers, instead.

Hi Kevan

LAST Saturday I bumped into a great Daily Sport reading chap called Kevan Daniels. He told me : “I read the Daily Sport because it’s a different paper. There’s too much gloom and doom and you need something to cheer you up.” Too right, Kevan. If you read the Sport and you see me, say hi and I’ll try to include you next week.

Nostalgia by the tonne in Berlin

There were big parties in Germany on Monday to celebrate the 20th anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall. It was so long ago now, that my youthful staff members Basil, Bill and Barker (sounds like a 1960s folk band) have no memory of it at all! But for many the memories are fresh. Thousands of people were split up from their friends, families and lovers when the Communist leadership in East Germany built the wall literally to stop people escaping to the Free West. That’s why its destruction – and reunification of Germany into one big country again - was their happiest historical moment. Meanwhile some folk have been celebrating – and reminiscing – by snapping up old East German products that disappeared after the country reunified. Communist Cola, toothpaste and even pickled gherkins are all being purchased in a fit of nostalgia. There’s still a small bit of the Wall standing. Go to see it if you ever get the chance. Just one bit of advice- while you’re there don’t spend your cash on any of the “genuine fragments of wall rubble” that are on sale. So many of these have been flogged that you could have built a wall stretching twice around the world! If you want some,give me a call. I’ve got thousands of tonnes of the stuff from, er, a hillside in Wales.

A MEDIA storm erupted this week involving Gordon Brown and the sorry situation in Afghanistan. But it wasn’t to do with troop numbers, pensions for veterans, helicopters, battles with the Taliban or even whether our boys and girls should be out there at all. No, this week’s big story ignored all these serious issues and focussed on. . . the Prime Minister’s handwriting. You see — one of our brave lads, a young serviceman called Jamie Janes, was killed on the front line last month. Gordo wrote a letter of condolence to his mother but, due to his bad eyesight and dodgy handwriting (something he openly admits to), it looked like he wrote the surname “James” not “Janes”. The Sun got hold of the letter and went to town on Gordo, accusing him of disrespecting troops and insulting Guardsman Janes’ mother. Now don’t get me wrong, I can see why Mrs Janes is devastated. But the Sun has really gone too far. Gordon Brown sends personal letters to the relatives of all servicemen and women who lose their lives on the front line, something that has brought a small degree of comfort to a lot of people. The fact that his handwriting has made one name look wrong is no reason to attack him. Anyway, national papers like this should be focusing on the real issues surrounding this conflict. So far the Daily Sport stands head and shoulders above the rest in calling for a withdrawal from Afghanistan. That’s what counts — not whether an “n” looks like an “m”. When our troops’ lives are on the line the Sun, which is backing the Conservatives to win the next general election, has resorted to petty political point scoring. It’s they who should be ashamed.

AS I was driving through London the other night I caught sight of a giant poster for the new Stereophonics album Keep Calm and Carry On. The album cover features the four Welsh fellas sitting around a table in the middle of the sea. It reminded me of a strange political incident the other week when the government of the Maldives went a step further and actually held their cabinet meeting under the Indian Ocean! Maverick President Mohamed Nasheed hosted the meeting in full scuba gear and 20 feet below the sea’s surface, to highlight the threat of climate change. He raises a very valid concern. Experts reckon that if global warming carries on at its current rate the Maldives could be submerged within 100 years. Their problem is that they depend on the whole world to sort out climate change. And at the moment we’re doing a poor job of it. And if we carry on like this there’ll be lots of places which will end up beneath the sea. Let’s start taking the climate thing on a bit more energetically. And until then my advice is go on holiday to the Maldives by all means. But don’t buy a house there unless it’s waterproof.

ONE person whose dedication to veterans and families noone could question is Lance Corporal Katrina Hodge, known to her mates as “combat Barbie”. Gorgeous Katrina is just 21 but has already served in Iraq and won the prestigious Miss England beauty competition. That’s a strange combination if ever I saw one! Now she’s due to head off to Afghanistan but first will be given a short break to compete in the Miss World contest which takes place in South Africa in December. And if she takes the crown Kat wants to help charities that look after wounded soldiers and their bereaved families. Gorgeous, charitable, brave and patriotic — she sounds like the perfect girl. On behalf of Daily Sport readers everywhere I’d like to say good luck Katrina — we’re backing you all the way!

Keeping it in the family......

A CHAP called Kelly has finally revealed his brilliant plan to sort out MPs' expenses. While most of it is OK, there are a few slightly weird bits in it. For example, he reckons that eventually all MPs might have to live in accommodation owned by the government. What has he got in mind? A giant dormitory, with lights out at 11pm and no visitors? Or just a converted prison where we’re all locked up for the night, for our comfort and everyone’s safety? Then there’s the other recommendation: You can’t employ a “family” member. So what does that mean exactly? What constitutes a “family member”? Lots of MPs employ their wives and husbands partly because that means they actually get to see each other a bit more than they would otherwise. Many MPs work 90 hours a week, and if they can work as a team that makes sense. Also, what on earth does “family member” mean? Does having a Christmas kiss with your secretary mean you have to sack her? Can you employ your ex-wife? If you suddenly find out your excellent researcher is, in fact, a long-lost cousin, does that mean it’s curtains for his employment? This one seems a bit dodgy to me and would actually mean we’ll need a kind of register of romantic interests. I mean, if you just fancy someone, do you have to make them redundant before you take them out on a date? These are unanswered questions, and they’ve got to be sorted out before the new system comes into force. The rest of the Kelly stuff makes reasonable sense, but I wonder if he really thought about the family stuff before making his proposals. There’s no doubt things have to change. Personally, I say get rid of all the allowances, apart from travel, and leave an independent body to set MPs’ salaries. What we’ve got goes some of the way there, but until we simplify this whole business, it’ll never go away completely.

SINCE 1989 the Indian army has been trying to defeat Islamic militants in Kashmir. They’ve tried everything. High tech weaponry, aircraft, military vehicles and thousands of troops have been deployed in the region. However, this week two rebel fighters were successfully taken out — by a bear. The mis-adventurous militants were taking a break from fighting and putting together a meal when a great big black bear wandered into their cave. And despite the pair being armed with AK47s, the hungry mammal managed to overcome them and, well, eat them. It proves nature can win where a well-armed military force can’t. The US will be hoping that one day Bin Laden might go the same way. After the billions the Yanks have invested in tracking him down, it would be ironic indeed if he became a tasty snack for Yogi
Bear’s peckish pals!

THE House went nuts this week when Home Secretary Alan Johnson sacked the government’s top drug advisor Professor David Nutt. Dangerous Dave advised the government on drug policy. But he got the boot for saying cannabis was less risky than alcohol or tobacco and that it should never have been made a Class B illegal drug. Now I like Alan Johnson but it’s ludicrous to ask a top scientist for policy advice and then sack him for sharing that advice with the public afterwards. It’s like asking Daily Sport babe Bailey to get her kit off, then getting offended because you don’t like nudity. Anyway, Prof. Nutt is right. I’m not encouraging you to have a spliff instead of a pint, but booze and ciggies are also dangerous. Cannabis may cause mental illness but so does alcohol. Then there’s the link between fags and cancer. If you’re going to make cannabis a Class B drug,surely whisky and cigs have to go in there too! But while the medical world (and the LibDems) are right behind downhearted Dave, the Labour party and, predictably, the Tories seem set in their ways. They’re waging a war against common sense and, sadly, they seem to be winning.

REMEMBER a few months back when I told you about the decision to let the UK Youth Parliament use the Commons for their annual session? It was the end of a long hard battle against a group of stuffy old traditionalists who opposed letting the youth into “our” chamber. Last Friday the Youth Parliament session happened. And a lot of those guys and girls shone. There was no bitchiness or political point scoring, just serious and very well handled debate. My mate, the “Speaker” John Bercow, chaired the session and praised MYPs for their speeches. It was great to see so many young people involved in democracy. Some who spoke — like Funmi Abari and Oliver Rawlinson — have already been spotted by the press. The way things are going,maybe they should start running the country right now.

It's stealing not sharing

IMAGINE if you spent three months working your guts out –– only to be told that you’re not getting paid! Well, if you’re a musician, this is exactly what happens to you every day. Illegal “file-sharing” of music means performers often don’t get paid when their music is downloaded for free through some websites. It’s not just unfair –– it’s theft, and on a colossal scale. This hasn’t been lost on the government. They’ve finally decided to do something about it. New laws will stop people from illegally file-sharing. This may even include suspending someone’s access to the internet after a series of warnings. For some, illegal file-sharing is so ingrained that only these tough measures will stop them –– because it doesn’t FEEL like stealing, even though it is. Most musicians and songwriters aren’t loaded, especially if they’re just starting out. If they don’t get paid they can’t make music, it’s as simple as that. We wouldn’t have heard Angels if Robbie Williams had to spend all his time earning money in Argos by singing: “Order number 325 to your collection point please.” And what if Oasis or the Beatles had never been paid? Or pop beauty Katy Perry. The whole world would have been deprived of their talent. Then again, if Chesney Hawkes had never got his first pay cheque we might have been saved from “I am the one and only” being pumped out in nightclubs every weekend. You may well have shared files yourself. Well, stop it! With over 20 LEGAL online services in theUK, like iTunes and Spotify, you can download legally without wrecking the industry. The laws will help,but if we all act a bit more responsibly, that would be best of all.

THERE’S been talk this week that former prime minister Tony Blair might become the President of the European Council. What do YOU think about that? This new post will happen once all the European Union countries have signed up to the Lisbon Treaty No one’s sure what the president’s job will involve yet. But it will be a powerful position. Blair’s a front-runner and a pretty good bet if you want a flutter. You may be surprised to read this from me, but a lot of the work he did as prime minister suggests he’d be quite good. By sending troops to Kosovo he helped stop the biggest European genocide since the Holocaust. And his work in Northern Ireland helped solve one of the continent’s longest running conflicts. These achievements shouldn’t be forgotten. But then come the objections. Some folk reckon the president should come from a country which isn’t “Eurosceptic” like the UK. Then there’s Blair’s track record of getting involved with messy wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, and his initial support for the ludicrously stupid prison camp in Guantanamo Bay. The funny thing is, Blair hasn’t even said that he wants the job! But if he gets it, the first thing he should do is change the voting system in the Eurovision Song Contest, so we stop coming nearly last all the time. Mama Mia!

MY pal and fellow MP Albert Owen was very hacked off this week when the Isle of Anglesey, which makes up his constituency, was wiped off the map — by Weetabix. As part of a new competition, Weetabix added a map of the British Isles to all their cereal boxes. Unfortunately, someone forgot to include Angelsey. This upset 70,000 people on the island. The Anglesey Tourism Association chief branded Weetabix “cereal killers” and called for a boycott of their products. I’m not surprised he’s annoyed ’cos it’s happened before. Last year, Walkers Crisps ran a tourism campaign that also erased Anglesey off their maps. I hope the situation gets sorted. Until then I guess it’s Shredded Wheat for Angry Albert!

Talking to extremes.....

UK politicians were split again this week over an old question: “Is it right to debate with extreme right wing and racist groups?” It’s come up again because a dubious Dutch MP Gert Wilders got to visit Parliament last Friday. Also, BNP leader Nick Griffin was on the BBC’s Question Time. Horrible Grouchy Gert caused a stir a few months back when he wasn’t allowed into Britain due to his extreme views on Islam. As for the BNP — well, they’ve been ruffling feathers for a couple of decades now, largely because they’re horrible to foreigners. Most people in Britain agree racism’s bad. But that’s where the agreement ends. Some want to debate with these people head-on to expose the weakness of their views. Others reckon we should just ignore them. I want the debate. Just pretending they don’t exist isn’t going to work! You can’t win an argument by not having it. If your mate claimed Hull City was the greatest football team in Britain—or that Sport stunna Jodie Oram isn’t attractive — you wouldn’t just ignore them would you? You’d sit them down in front of Match of the Day or buy them a copy of the Sport! And that’s exactly what we should be doing with the extremists, using facts and arguments, not pretending that they’ll simply get bored and take up golf instead. With unemployment up, community spirit down and the ever-looming threat of terrorist attacks, the temptations of prejudice and blaming an ethnic group are great indeed. But by challenging those ideas publicly we can get a more moderate result. That’s why I’m personally willing to debate with Mr Griffin. There’s no other way.

MY Daily Sport column seems to be creating a bit of jealousy! A funny little fella called Matthew Withers can’t stop writing about me in a tiny weekly regional paper in Wales. And given what he writes about everyone else, I’m sure he’ll see the funny side of my gentle joshing about him. If Mattie was a woman, I’d report him as a stalker. Last weekend he did a huge front page story about my column, and copied whole sections of my work into it! Poor Mattie seems to have some sort of problem with my column, even though he’s clearly been following it every week. My advice to the likes of my mate Withers is to stop patronising the public. When he sneers at the Daily Sport, he sneers at readers who happen to like my more positive and informal approach towards political reporting. As I’ve said before, journalists who run down the content and style of this paper offend their own profession. It’s as if they’ve all kinds of hang-ups about what people like to –– or should –– read. Or is it just the fact that thousands more people read my column than read poor Mattie’s? If that is what’s bugging him, then it would suggest that for little Mattie, size matters. No doubt he’ll carry on his literary love affair with me this weekend. I’ll keep you posted.

LABOUR are to civil liberties what icebergs were to the Titanic! They tried introducing 42-day detention without trial and came up with a crazy ID cards scheme. Another loopy anti-liberal idea was keeping a database of innocent people’s DNA! Until now, everyone who’s arrested has had a sample of DNA taken. Under government rules, this is kept by the coppers, even if the person is found innocent, for any length of time they want! Understandably there was uproar. What right have the Old Bill got to take genetic samples off you when you’ve committed no crime? Thankfully, the ministers have backed down. They’re now proposing time limits on how long the DNA can be kept before being disposed of. It’s a step in the right direction. But they should be going further and not keeping samples from any innocent folk at all. Sadly, I doubt a change of government will change the policy. The last government to introduce detention without trial was led by none other than a certain Conservative called Margaret Thatcher!

OUR beloved Prime Minister, “Flash Gordon” Brown, was making noises about the environment again this week. It’s not surprising. Some days ago Greenpeace camped on Parliament’s roof after daringly scaling the perimeter fence. These green warriors want action, they believe Ministers are being crap about not taking proper environmental measures. The campaigners sat up there for hours, shivering their nuts off, to get people to notice. It sort of worked — after all, I’m writing about it, and the photos were good too. And Gordy does seem to have got up and done something about it now. But consider this. The “Authorities” spend millions on security at Parliament. But these eco-protesters still got in. Maybe all you need to invade the Palace of Westminster is recycled trousers and a good cause.

Funny peace of thinking!

THIS was the week that the winner of this year’s Nobel Peace Prize was announced. It’s awarded to the person who’s made the world’s biggest contribution to peace and human rights over the past year. Previous winners include Nelson Mandela, Mother Teresa, the Dalai Lama and Burmese democracy leader Aung San Suu Kyi. Sometimes it goes to organisations like Amnesty International and the Red Cross. So it’s a big deal. If you were awarded the Nobel Peace Prize, you’d certainly be swinging it around in everyone’s face in the pub that evening. But surprisingly, this year’s winner was US President Barack Obama. Now, I’m a big fan of Mr O –– he’s certainly a trillion times better than his dopey predecessor George Bush. But has Obama really done enough to win the Nobel Peace Prize after less than a year at the White House? Even the man himself said he doesn’t really deserve it!The Nobel Committee said they gave it to Obama to encourage him in his quest for peace. But I’m not sure that’s right. It’s like giving a drama student an Oscar to encourage them in their acting career. The decision is even more dubious when you look at the other nominees. People like Morgan Tsvangarai (Zimbabwe’s democracy leader), Sima Samar (who does women’s rights in Afghanistan) and Denis Mukwege (who helps victims of conflict in the Congo) have literally risked their lives every day for years on end –– just to help others. Obama will do things that deserve a Nobel Peace Prize –– but he hasn’t done them yet.

ON Wednesday, the Prime Minister committed yet more troops to Afghanistan. In my view, and this paper’s view, that’s the wrong policy. But he also commemorated the 37 soldiers killed over the summer. So it was fitting that last Tuesday we had a reception for military service people in the swanky apartment where the Speaker of the House lives—a posh flat with champagne and a fourposter bed. I can report that I met some of the finest military personnel I’ve ever come across in my 24 years in politics. Heading the hall of fame were Leading Medical Assistant Paul Davies, and his colleague Gareth, plus Lieutenant Sharon Fraser Smith from the Queen Alexandra’s Royal Naval Nursing Service. These people are skilled, committed and brave. They literally save lives — putting people back together after they’ve been injured in the fierce fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan. What I didn’t realise is they also care for wounded enemy fighters too — or, as they call them “detainees”. I asked smartly uniformed and charming Sharon — who, I must admit, was rather on the fit side — if she was ever scared out there. “Yes, sometimes, but you just have to put it aside,” she said. “My team depends on me so I can’t let myself feel scared.” Once, while watching telly, the insurgents started mortar bombing them. Her response was to turn up the TV volume! I was proud to meet Sharon, Paul and Gareth. They’re a credit to our military and our country. Oh, and I hope you got back to Plymouth OK – and that they sell aspirin on the train.

WELL, everyone’s back in Parliament again. And the week started with a classic example of all that’s stupidest in parliamentary policy making. Basically, Ministers hate smoking so much they’ve decided they won’t let newsagents even display cigarettes on the back wall of their shops. It will be law to hide fags under the counter. Well, how’s this going to help anybody? The evidence suggests to me it’ll do almost nothing to stop adults or kids from smoking.Do ministers imagine kids see all the nice packets on the back wall and say to the shopkeeper: “Oooh, I’ve decided to become addicted to fags. Twenty B&H please, mister.” It’s rubbish. It’ll cost shopkeepers loads of money and turn buying cigs into some sort of weirdly embarrassing activity like buying porn and condoms. I voted against it but I voted in vain. There’s still a chance the new rules won’t get put into action. But for now, it looks like common sense has gone up in smoke.

THERE was a stir in Cornwall this week when anti-student graffiti appeared. Apparently, it was scrawled by a group called the Cornish Republican Army who want Cornwall to be independent from England and don’t like new flats being given to students, instead of local folk. No one knows if the Cornish Republican Army — or CRA — has any real support, or even exists! Some claim CRA members get training and funds from other terrorist groups, others reckon it’s just a clever hoax and their boss might as well be the Loch Ness monster. I’m not keen on Cornish independence — it would make scrumpy cider a foreign beverage. And it would mean Sport stunna Marlena Lewis from Cornwall would need a passport to get her Cornish pasties into this paper!

One and the same

THE Lib Dems blustered in Bournemouth, Labour blathered in Birmingham, and this week the Tories were mincing in Manchester. Our right-wing revivalists had their chance to put forward a clear, distinctive, unconfusing message. But DID the Tory Party — which wants to ban 24-hour drinking—lead by example? Take a wild guess! Despite likeable senior Tory Eric Pickles optimistically trying to ban champagne at the conference, various big players like MP Alan Duncan were necking the bubbly anyway. So what? Who cares if they drink beer or champagne? I’m more worried about the fact that if they DO get into government, it looks like they won’t be very different to the Labour government they want to replace. For instance, they agree with Labour’s decision to freeze the pay of public-sector workers. On Tuesday, George “Ozzy” Osborne announced that all public workers — apart from those on the lowest salaries and our boys on the frontline in Afghanistan—will have their pay frozen. Lovely! And they’re going to increase the retirement age — just like Labour. They also aim to get tough on crime, apparently by letting people stick pictures of criminals on lamp posts. But how about this — they’ll cut incapacity benefit for 500,000 people, even though the Tories used that same benefit to get people off the unemployment figures when THEY were in power!

Amazing

In an amazing attempt to look like they’re “one of us,” Georgey Boy declared “We’re all in this together!” Yeah, right mate. When’s the last time people like the Tory front bench stood in dole queues, or ran market stalls in East London? Back in 1983, the real Ozzy Osbourne released a rabblerousing song entitled You’re no Different. I suppose it’s pop history repeating itself. Tory Shadow Chancellor George “Ozzy” Osborne did prove the Tories ARE no different —from Labour!

TORY CONFERENCE IS A BIT WEIRD THERE’S

THERE’S always interesting stuff going on in the background at a party conference. Having attended the Tory one in the past, I can privately reveal that their’s is, er, “odder” than the others. For example, Conservative baby clothes were the top- selling item in the conference shop. Why? Do they have a campaign plan of “breeding for victory?” Then a 15-year-old called Annabelle demanded that the Prime Minister “apologise”. Hmm . . . an attack against Labour by a Conservative who was three when her party was last in charge. She must have been a very mature toddler to remember the old days well enough to make a comparison. My mate Boris Johnson did redeem things a bit. He has a habit of putting his foot in it “up north.” On arriving in Manchester he said it is “one of the great British cities I have yet to offend!” It was a great line.

FOR all the bravado, there’s one statistic the Tory-loving journos don’t seem too keen to point out. If they’re going to put Shiny Dave in Downing Street, the Conservatives will have to gain a whopping 117 seats from other parties. That would be the biggest swing since 1931! Like I said last week, Labour won’t go down without a fight. The Tories are ahead at the moment but it’s far from over. A week is a long time in politics and it’s still 34 weeks until a General Election must be called. Tory campaigners may be happy right now, but come May 2010 they might just feel like they celebrated too soon. Perhaps this calls for unusual tactics. If a Daily Sport stunna like Linda Dee came out supporting a party, they could be very influential. Come on Linda, your assets could swing the nation!

I AM delighted to see the Daily Sport taking a courageous and honest stand against the unwinnable and hopelessly expensive war in Afghanistan. The only WAY OUT is to PULL OUT. Then we can start talks with the other side and find a better way to sort out the mess. In hundreds of years, nobody’s ever beaten the Afghans on their home turf. It’s an away match the British and Americans cannot win — not least because, when they were our friends, we actually trained the enemy we’re now trying to defeat! So a gold star to the Sport for having the vision to call for troop withdrawal. I only hope other newspapers will have the sense to follow this paper’s lead. Any other plan is a strategy for failure, and a death warrant for even more of our brave soldiers.

ONCE again, our Friends in Europe have been getting stroppy over farming matters. The Belgians—who are better knownf or their chocolate and their national mascot (a urinating boy) —have been protesting about milk. On Tuesday a bunch of angry dairy farmers, hacked off at a dramatic fall in milk prices, took to the streets of Brussels. They blocked roads with their tractors, released chickens, dumped farmyard crap everywhere and drove a load of cows down the street. It caused total chaos and the police were deployed to keep order. At this point one talented farmer led his cow forward and managed to spray the baffled bobbies with milk straight out of its udders! That’s got to be the best ever example of “milking the situation”.