Sunday, 21 March 2010

Anna was porn for the job

Friday, March 19, 2010 by Daily Sport.

WITH the General Election looming, people are looking at candidates hoping to become MPs. One Lib Dem candidate, Anna Arrowsmith, who’s standing in Gravesham, Kent, has been getting extra attention because of her old job as a porn director. Arty Anna used to produce and direct blue movies for her own company, Easy On The Eye Productions. People have been giving her stick over this, as if shooting feisty flicks will make her a bad MP. Really? Anna has proved herself to be a great candidate who cares about her community. That’s what matters. What do people think she is going to do? Bring Pamela Anderson into parliament to shoot a film called Under The Speaker’s Robe or The Honourable Member? Of course not. She’s a highly-qualified and motivated lady who’d easily her hold her own in the Commons. Her opponent, Tory MP Adam Holloway, has been very fair and says people shouldn’t judge Anna on her previous job. What a sensible chap. Top marks Ads. All that remains to be said is “good luck Anna”. I think I speak on behalf of all Daily Sport readers when I say you’ve got our vote.
I’M not over keen on conferences but last weekend I went to the Liberal Democrat gathering in Birmingham anyways. The high point is always supposed to be the leader’s speech. In political conferences, everyone has to give a standing ovation at the end of it, even if it’s crap. However, I’m happy to report leader Nick Clegg delivered the goods. You know me: I wouldn’t say that if I didn’t mean it, because I’m straight with you in this column about my views. But, really, he did do a good job — it’s probably the best speech I’ve seen him do. And I rather liked the idea of giving everyone the first £10,000 we earn tax free. All in all, it was a bit like Mel Gibson’s famous speech in Braveheart — except at the end nobody cut him up into little pieces as he cried “FREEEEDOM!” So well done, Nicko, you’re a good ’un. I also caught up with our party President Ros Scott. A couple of years ago she beat me in an internal election for this post, and I spent time being grumpy about that. But I must admit she’s doing well. The President’s role is to whip all our party activists into shape, and she is. So, for once, I’m one happy “Lib Dem Lem.” Long live Cleggie! Viva El Presidente! I’m actually on side for once — what a refreshing change!
THERE was panic in the Eastern European nation of Georgia last Sunday. Apparently, a fake TV news report fooled people into thinking Russia had invaded and their president killed! Thousands rushed into the streets in terror and mobile phone networks went down. It was hours before it became clear the dodgy report was a “simulation” intended to show what would happen if the president really was taken out by Putin and his pals. It’s hardly surprising people panicked! It was only in 2008 when Russia really did invade. That time tanks came within 30 miles of the capital, Tbilisi. Perhaps the TV guys should stick to You’ve Been Framed, as You’re Being Invaded just doesn’t seem to half as popular!
THE other day I met a bloke you may have heard of: Neil Armstrong. You know, the first man on the Moon? That’s right—thanks to the American Embassy and a bunch of intellectuals at the Royal Society, I rubbed shoulders with one of Mankind’s greatest heroes. For a man who’s walked on the Moon, Neil’s surprisingly down-to-earth. He’s a friendly fella and boy did he have good stories to tell. One thing did get people at the event wound up though —President Barack Obama’s decision to cancel new Moon missions. He’s pretty much written off any chance of there being another American on the Moon for decades. It’ll probably be Chinese who next follow in Neil’s footsteps —before going on to Mars. It’s a real shame, because the Moon landings inspired a whole generation and led to huge leaps forward in technology. I can still remember the excitement and anticipation around those first missions. I’m with the spacemen on this one — our refusal to go to the Moon is one small step back for man, one giant leap back for Mankind.
THERE are many hazards to being an MP — long hours, late nights, random strangers yelling about things that aren’t your fault and . . . erm . . . being covered in fizzy water. That’s what happened to me on train to mid- Wales at the weekend. A fellow calling himself Martin Palmer sat down opposite me. Unfortunately his water was all shook up. When he opened it, about a million litres of frothing water drenched me to the skin . . . well, OK, a few drops anyway. He was very apologetic. But his watery moment of madness did little harm . . . after all, the last thing anyone could ever accuse me of is being a “wet politician!”

Tory talk is doing Britain down

Friday, March 12, 2010 by Daily Sport.

NOW I do like David Cameron – he’s a decent fellow. But Dangerous Dave & Co have been getting stick this week for trying to whip up a national panic in the run-up to the General Election. The Torynauts have been telling folk there will be an “economic meltdown” if they don’t win, and that folks who value their jobs should be voting for them.Hmmm, I can see a few problems here. Firstly,the recession was a worldwide matter, not a party political thing. And secondly, the Tories don’t have a great record on the economy themselves! More mature Daily Sport readers will remember Margaret Thatcher’s stint in office when over three million were on the dole. She makes the current PM look like an economic genius! If that’s not bad enough, these doom-mongering prophecies about another potential economic collapse are actually scaring off investors and hurting our economy here and now. And that means what the Tories are saying while not in government is harming us already – that’s quite a trick. I’m no great fan of Labour’s economic record and I reckon Lib Dem money man Vince Cable would do better. But I try to be fair to everyone in this column, and I offer some advice in good faith to Conservative HQ: “Put a sock in it!” If they want to spread panic, why not just say that if the Tories lose we’ll be destroyed by an asteroid – or eaten by Godzilla. They’re also unsupported speculations, but it’s much better than talking Britain down.
MPs often go to conferences. But last Saturday at Birmingham Town Hall I went to a convention with a difference —Fairport Convention. This iconic folk band has been going for four decades, and happen to be pals of mine. Compared to the ready-mix music of the X Factor and Britain’s Got Talent, Fairport prove we still have world class musicians. The band’s an inspiration — and has been since the 1960s. When they started, the Cold War was still going, Radio 1 didn’t exist, Alec Douglas- Home was Prime Minister, Celtic were champions of Europe, I was two years old, and Raquel Welch was the world’s pin-up . Fairport Convention — and Raquel Welch—we salute you! If more political conventions were like Fairport, there’d be more harmony and less anarchy in the UK. A nicer kind of politics. Two great things happened this week. Firstly, when I was massively delayed getting to a school conference, the delightfully decent Tory Damian Green MP, moved his diary around to stand in for me. Thanks, mate. If you live in Damian’s area, shake his hand and tell him he rocks. He’ll be surprised - but he’ll like it. Secondly, on Tuesday I chaired a schools debate in Parliament and the standard was exceptional. Top marks to speakers Riche Talabi, Aminat Adebayo, Jennifer Labwo, Eleftheria Varouhakis, Ian Hall and Catherine Saunders. But congratulations to young Rabi Niam, who won the debate by a cat’s whisker. It was a pleasure to meet you all. Dazzling Damian’s decency and the super-duper school debaters are a credit to democracy. Thanks for jazzing up my week guys.
LAST week there was a big demo outside Parliament, against dodgy Dutch MP Geert Wilders who turned up at the House of Lords to show his “film”. Unlike The Hurt Locker or Avatar, gruesome Geert’s film Fitma will never win an Oscar. It’s about how evil and nasty Muslims are and not surprisingly, this made many people go mental about him. When little Geertie arrived at Parliament, he was greeted by members of an equally curious bunch calling themselves the English Defence League. They think he’s good and want him to stay in England. Meanwhile,on the other side of the road anti-facists protested against Geertie boy. They stuck around for hours to shout and jeer him. Now, dear reader, you’re sensible. I doubt you lose sleep “worrying” about Muslims. So we should let Geertie show his film, then people can see what nonsense he’s on about. As for “foreigners?” someone might want to tell people who don’t like British Muslims that most are far more, er, BRITISH than wacky Wilders!
THOUSANDS of Swiss folk voted this week in a referendum about a very odd topic. The proposal was a new law allowing animals to be represented in court, with lawyers supplied by taxpayers!! If it was April Fool’s Day, you’d think I was yanking your lead. But this proposal was REAL! As it happens, the animal lovers lost the vote by about 70% to 30%. But if they’d won we would have seen some very interesting cases in the Swiss courts. Just imagine being sued by your guinea pig because you forgot to clean his hutch. Or being taken to the cleaners by your dog because you haven’t been taking him for “walkies” enough. And what would happen when a cat had a feast in the neighbour’s fish pond . . . could we see a murder trial? Switzerland has some very good laws to look after our furry, feathery and fishy pals. But if you think pets deserve state-appointed lawyers, you must be barking!