Sunday, 9 August 2009

Jordan for the cabinet

A ROW erupted this week after Labour’s feisty second-in-command, Harriet Harman , declared that one of the party’s two top jobs should always be held by A WOMAN. High-flying Harman says we blokes can’t be trusted to run things by ourselves –– a bit like when your missus won’t let you do the shopping, because she thinks you’ll buy Pot Noodles instead of pasta and Carling instead of carrots. And let’s face it, you would, wouldn’t you! Some “feminists” have been jumping for joy and think it’s a great leap forward for women. Others are sceptical, saying you can avoid discriminating against women without supporting giving a woman a top government post instead of a man based simply on the fact she’s got boobs. That’s a practice called “positive discrimination.” I’m with them. It’s patronising to promote women just because they are women. Lots of lasses in Parliament are qualified to do these jobs and their talent should be recognised. Having a quota for girls in the leadership is a bit like saying: “Go on, luv, it’s about time we had a lady in power.”
Also, where does it all end? Presumably, if we’re trying to even up the score, we don’t want just ordinary women –– we’d want the womanliest women available. In this ludicrous situation, the more “womanly” a lady is, the bigger the job she should get. In that case, Jordan should be the next Home Secretary and let’s put Daily Sport babe Gemma Massey in as Armed Forces Minister. Her slogan could be: “Make love, not war.”
Cop some food for thought
MOST of our boys in blue are excellent at law and order and keeping streets safe—but over the last year there have been some worrying incidents. Just this week, the Independent Police Complains Commission gave prosecutors a big file of evidence about protestors who were hurt during the G20 protests back in April. It includes stuff about Ian Thomlinson – the poor fella who died after being hit by a baton-wielding bobby. Some police on duty that day could end up before a court. But an even more amazing is the revelation this week Cambridgeshire cops were keeping DNA samples in the same fridge as takeaway curries. Now I’m no forensic scientist. But I don’t reckon keeping crime scene DNA samples next to vindaloos is “a very good idea.” They should have learnt a lesson from the Yorkshire cops who last month were told off for keeping forensic samples next to their ice-cream. What if the two bags got contaminated with each other’s contents? You could get murders being pinned on chicken kormas and have courts finding tubs of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream thrown in the cooler for aggravated assault.
FROM Braveheart to Gazza’s goal—England and Scotland have always had a stormy relationship. But that’s nothing compared to what could kick off next... because an English historian called Catherine Brown is now claiming that Scotland’s national dish – the “Haggis” – is not actually Scottish at all. Cath insists the tasty treat was invented in England 100 years before our friends in the North started eating it. That’s a controversial claim—and political dynamite! It’s like the Scots claiming they’d invented tea and crumpet before the English. I phoned my pal Pete Wishart who’s in the Scottish National Party – which wants Scotland to break away from England — to see what he thought of it all and he said: “This is soft Southern nonsense. Most English people I’ve met think Haggis is an animal. Next, they’ll be claiming the Loch Ness Monster was born in London.” Based on his reply, I think Catherine “Braveheart” Brown had better not go to Scotland anytime soon!
WHAT do you do if you’re mayor of a big town but the government is slow in stumping up the funds they’ve promised you? Basilio Ridolfo, Mayor of Fircarra on the Italian island of Sicily, has a cunning plan — betting on the lottery! Ridolfo reckons there’s a better chance of winning on the lotto than of getting the money from the Italian government in Rome. So he’s set up a syndicate and has bought hundreds of tickets for this week’s “roll-over” draw. If the maverick mayor and his pals win the £98 million up for grabs, they promise to spend half the winnings on improving the town. They’ll then split the rest between the residents. He’s taking a risk but one thing is for certain — it’s a bloody good vote winner if it works out for him. It’s not something I’d try in my own constituency of Montgomeryshire. If I was that good at taking insane risks with other people’s money, I wouldn’t be an MP — I’d be running a bank.

No comments:

Post a Comment