Cam's outta this world

I've had many a 'close encounter' with Tory leader David Cameron. But this week he surprised us all by announcing that his space programme for government would include revealing top-secret documents about UFOs. If he becomes Prime Minister he’ll go public with all the files our Secret Service has relating to ET, his strange shaped chums and their bizarre choices of transport.

Spaced-out Dave said he’d be “entirely open and frank” about any meetings our Men-In-Black have had with beings from elsewhere— and that no government should hide the truth if flying saucers land on Heathrow’s new runway or the X Files turn up in Skegness! Good job, Davey. This is one policy I’ll certainly give the Vulcan salute to. It’ll be interesting to see what turns up if Cosmic Cameron becomes PM. But regular readers don’t need to see the secret documents. You already know heavenly bodies inhabit earth . . . the Daily Sport girls are obviously out of this world.

Poor Pirates

DID you see all the stories about the pirates on the East Coast of Africa? These scallywags, mainly from Somalia, have replaced sailing ships and swords with speedboats and sub-machine guns. They take hostages, nick oil tankers and generally act like a crap version of Jack Sparrow in Pirates Of The Caribbean. The rest of the world’s got flaming seasick of their aquatic antics. Even America and Iran are working together with patrol boats to keep a roving eye out for any modern-day Blackbeards. So, rich governments are protecting their precious cargos with a bunch of battleships to sort out these Johnny Depp wannabes. But who’s looking at why they’re doing piracy in the first place? Somalia is dirt poor. We should help them sort out their economy so they don’t end up so desperate. Surely then, they would be less keen to half-inch stuff off our boats in the first place.

Please save our Dicks!

THERE have been big bust-ups recently over commercial whaling. Japanese ships are getting harpoonhappy out in the Antarctic, and further “Oop North,” Iceland wants to kill 250 Whales over the next five years. I don’t like whaling. The lads who want to do it claim it’s for “scientific research.” Yeah, right! That’s like saying every time you munch a McDonald’s, you’re “doing scientific research on cows.” In reality, it’s not about “whale research,” it’s about “whale kebabs”. There are now few of our “ten-ton chums” left in the sea. The International Whaling Commission (IWC)—where the big governments chat about whaling —is thinking about allowing Japan to hunt on its own patch, but not in the Antarctic. Meanwhile, Greenpeace is trying to convince the Japanese not to buy whale burgers. And a group called Sea Shepherd has gone further and is chasing the whaling fleet around, throwing stuff at them and trying to break their boats! In a rather more sedate protest, me and my mates Jimbo and Liam met the nternational Fund for Animal Welfare on Tuesday. They’re running a big “photo-petition” to get whaling stopped. Good on ’em. Let’s stop the killing before the Moby Dick’s
mates ends up on a plate.

Have some balls and get tested!

THE other day in parliament I attended an event held by the Terrence Higgins Trust. They deal with HIV and AIDS issues, and they were highlighting the problems the organisation is facing. And it turns out most of you lot aren’t taking sexual health checks. Some of you think it’s embarrassing and some of you, er, just can’t be bothered. Actually, even parliament seems churlish about it. So you’re not alone. But going red in the face about a sexual health check isn’t a good insurance policy against getting what used to be called “The Clap”. It also makes it more likely that, if you’ve got it, you’ll give it to others.

So, this is my plea— have a check up for your own sake, and the sake of your partner. Look, I’m not preaching. But if you’re sexually active, be sexually smart by making sure you’re healthy, and so you can sort out any problems before they get worse. Get tested, my friends. It’s a sensitive subject, but a lot less sensitive than itchy balls!