Friday, 6 February 2009

Snowman's an island

Weeks ago, I warned Daily Sport readers that Britain would be brought to a standstill in February by a bit of frozen water. If only the Department for Transport and Boris Johnson had the good sense to read the Sport then, we wouldn’t have suffered that cold snap confusion now.
While the Canadians and countless others deal with snow daily, shivering Britain goes dappy when the thermometer dips below zero. But Monday was the first time that all the Red London buses were pulled off the roads. Even the German Luftwaffe’s airborne bombardment during World War Two didn’t achieve that. Looks like Hitler would have done better if he’d put Herr Jack Frost in charge of an invasion. Though getting around was a hassle, others had a good laugh. This included the Westminster Police Force. They created a Security Snow Guard. Me and my MP buddy Greg Mulholland tried to have a chat with this cool customer, but he gave us the cold shoulder. No wonder he was depressed because he’d just found out he was getting a pay rise — in the summer.
Foreigners are OK
YOU know the way I’m “Britain’s most outspoken MP”? Well, here’s something UN-spoken that’s been on my mind this last week –– British jobs for British workers. Prime Minister Brown said that a while ago, to the adulation of the nation. People on demonstrations have said the same thing. It’s natural for individuals to get edgy with unemployment going up. People will worry if they feel their job prospects are being undercut because companies employ foreign nationals for lower wages. The first thing we need to do is make sure British people have jobs, just like Flash Gordon Brown said. But I also think we’ve got to be careful not to scare off foreign workers who we quite like to have around. Think about British football. What would happen if the foreign players left? The Premier League would be reduced to five-a-side and Alex Ferguson couldn’t shout so much because British players would understand what he was saying and probably punch him. And what about Indian restaurants? Would you REALLY prefer a curry cooked by your mate Sid at his “Greasy Spoon” cafe, instead of professionals from a country where they can enjoy vindaloos without 15 pints of lager? And one more thing. Have you EVER fancied a foreign girl? I rest my case. So I do think there’s a place for foreign folk in Blighty. And I’ve got a personal interest here. With my Estonian background and funny name, I suppose I’M a sort of a foreigner myself. OK, so I’ve got a British passport and was born in the UK. But all the same, what if I got fed up and wondered off back to the Baltic? You’d miss my column.
Greg's up for grog
DO you like beer as much as this guy I know? His name’s Greg Mulholland and he’s an MP from Leeds. He’s so devoted to beer that he shouted at me for ordering a bottle of Magners cider on Wednesday. I respect that. Anyway, he’s started a group in the House of Commons called the “All-Party Save the Pub Group”. Greg aims to save British pubs from destruction by huge companies which put the screws on little landlords who just want to serve an honest pint and make a little profit. The big firms have a lot of power and Greg wants to make sure there’s fair play all round. Greg’s efforts make him the champion of the traditional British public house. All power to your drinking elbow, Mr Mulholland! If you see grog-loving Greg in a bar, buy him another pint of real ale and give him a manly hug. He’ll be ever so grateful.
That's why the economy's flagging
THERE were red faces in Whitehall after it turned out the Union Flag had been flown upside down at a big trade agreement signing between China and the UK. To most of us it looks the same either way up, though there’s actually a small difference in the thickness of the white lines. Not many people know that but the Foreign Office should! Let’s face it, bigger things could have gone wrong. Gordon Brown could have accidentally declared war on China instead of agreeing to trade with them, or mistakenly signed Gravesend over to the Bejing Government. But getting our own flag the wrong way up was a bit of a cockup! Perhaps this explains why the economy’s in a mess –– maybe the Treasury accidentally turned the Treasury upside down and all the money fell out.

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