Friday, 15 May 2009

Not all MP's are naughty

EXPENSES! Expenses! Expenses! That’s all anyone’s been talking about down in Westminster for the last week or two. Ever since the Daily Telegraph started to share information about MPs’ expenses, it’s been front page news. This is a great pity. In fact, 99% of expenses are completely in order but you’d never think it from all the horror stories which have been printed. Sadly, it is not the intention of the Telegraph to represent a fair view of all this. Having possibly paid for this stolen information, they’re determined to make the very most of it. And that means maximising the bad news. In reality, the expenses system is a bit weird. There’s something called the London Living Allowance, which MPs who have to travel to London every week can claim to pay for their time away from home. This is the one the Telegraph is wetting its pants about.I suppose it’s mainly because there have been a few funny claims. One chappie claimed to have his moat cleaned. Another had a chandelier sorted. But most of it is mundane. Yours truly has also been dragged into all this. Apparently, I claimed a summons bill of 40 quid for some overdue Council Tax. Oops! Funnily enough, although I did pay it back, it turns out I probably didn’t have to—so even this criticism was probably not right. All the same, the general mood is to portray us all as naughty people on the make. It’s a shame. You’d probably like most MPs if you met them. It’s also a shame that the actions of the Telegraph have not been properly scrutinised. I suggest you stick to the Sport. You know what you’re getting, and, unlike the Telegraph’s info none of the boobs are remotely dodgy.
HEY, you are planning to vote, aren’t you mate? Uh-oh. “Vote for what?” I hear you asking with a yawn. Well, in case you’ve forgotten, it’s the European elections in a few weeks time. Wahey! June 4 is the day you get to choose who represents you in the European Parliament. Even as I write this, I can sense you getting bored. But perk up! The folks you send to Brussels make more difference than you might realise. Some people think the European Parliament is responsible for crazy stuff –– like sending us straight bananas, abolishing the Queen and replacing Manchester United with a French women’s hockey team called Madamoiselles de Unite. Not so. All that rubbish is basically made up by people who are afraid of foreigners or didn’t notice the war ended 64 years ago (we won). What you DO get is some sensible food regulations so you won’t die if you eat a kebab in Greece and safety rules so that when you land in Majorca the plane doesn’t fall into a pothole. The other thing it does is give British people something to moan about. You could moan about the fact that the Italians once elected Benito’s granddaughter, a topless model called Alessandra Mussolini, to parliament –– while we got Ann Widdecombe. OK, Ann’s a better MP –– but frankly, Alessandra has other priceless assets!
THE Belgian city of Ghent has come up with a novel way to save the planet –– and lose a few pounds. Officials have declared that from now on, one day a week will be a “vegetarian day” and load of “vegetarian street-maps” will be handed out showing where the hottest veggie restaurants are. The idea started because of the damage we cause to the environment with “intensive meat production”. Huge areas of rainforest are cut down so farmers can graze thousands of cattle to turn into tasty burgers. But spare a thought for the Ghent McDonalds –– they’re not lovin’ it!
HITLER has finally lost his head in Germany! A man called Frank Lachner went into the waxwork museum in Berlin and ripped the head off his model. Apparently, Frank’s an ex-policeman and pushed past guards to get to Adolf’s effigy. Frank has been fined 900 Euros, which these days is worth about 900 quid. He must have been really Fuhrerious!

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