Friday, 20 February 2009

Enjoy my ant music

HELLO pop lovers! Please buy my song! I’m on Ant and Dec’s Saturday Night Takeaway TV show this weekend and we’re having a musical talent contest. I’m part of Ant’s team, and we recorded the classic S club 7 hit Don’t Stop Movin. The result is almost as good as the original! We could start a new band: Ant Club 6. Who’d have thought some crooners, presenters and an MP could produce such sweet music. In truth, my fellow team members are great singers—I feared I’d be the weakest link. But the studio guys “digitally remastered” me. Phew! It didn’t hurt and I feel fine. Anyway, the final version’s so good, Rachel Stevens (right) from the original S Club 7 gave it her approval. Meanwhile, Dec’s team released some 80s song about waking you up before you go-go. In my humble opinion ours is better. You can buy our melody for 79 pence on-line at the Ant & Dec ITV website – with proceeds going to charity. By the way, our song was produced by pop wizard Pete Waterman. He’s got 21 Number One hits under his belt. While we chatted I discovered three things. Poptastic Pete takes a bit of Aspirin a day to thin his blood. He also recommends a small swig of whiskey at night to keep germs at bay. And, most interestingly, he loves steam trains so much there’s a Hornby locomotive collection named after him. So buy our great song for a good cause. And don’t forget ‘The Waterman Diet’; half an Aspirin, a hot toddy and a head of steam. It certainly beats Atkins by a mile.

SHOCK! Horror! A top team of legal experts called the “International Commission of Jurists”have revealed that anti-terror tactics used by the UK and US have seriously messed with human rights. Hardly surprising. We’re not going to make friends with radical young Muslims by abducting their mates. Then there’s the fact we often get the wrong people—we’re sticking heads in buckets of water just because we think they’re involved with al-Qaeda. Then, afterwards, it’s “Oops, sorry, no hard feelings mate, have a nice day now!” I mean, we can’t really preach to other countries when we’re up to this kind of funny business ourselves. It’s much better to do justice by the book. Give them a proper trial and treat them humanely. So thumbs up to the International Commission of Jurists. I only hope they themselves don’t end up kidnapped and “waterboarded” in an effort to get them to change their report. After all, the only people who actually like being locked up in a confined space and ritually humiliated are Big Brother contestants.
DID you know that World War II is still going on in Asia? While other countries signed a treaty to end it, Russia and Japan never did. Our Russian and Japanese brethren are still formally at war! The “battleground” is a little group of islands between the two countries. About 17,000 Japanese used to live on the “Southern Kurils” if you’re Russian, or the “Northern Territories” if you’re Japanese. During World War II the Russians took them over, and kept them. With gas and oil on the islands both countries are chomping at the drilling bit to own ‘em. The good news is this week the Japanese Prime Minister and the Russian President had a chat. They’ve agreed to talks to try to resolve the problem. I suggest they sort the whole thing out by honouring classic traditions of both great countries, a few games of Sudoku over a couple of bottles of vodka. Runner up gets the Isle of Wight!

DID you hear about the wild Dutchman Geert Wilders who tried to visit Britain? Geert’s an MP in the Netherlands. He wanted to show his “new video” over here. In it he claims Islam is an evil religion based on terrorism. UK ministers reckoned this was far too annoying. They said his video would offend Muslims, stir up racism and generally cause trouble. But by by not letting Geert in, the Government gave his video more publicity than ever. It was originally going to be shown to a room of 30 people at the House of Lords. Since all the publicity it’s become a top viewed clip on YouTube. Having said that, his assertions are ridiculous. He might as well claim that Amsterdam is built out of shortbread or that everyone in Denmark is made from lego. You’d have to be a berk to go along with Geert.

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