EU better get out and vote

I BET you’re getting excited about the Euro elections! Remember? They’re happening next week and I’m sure you’ve been thinking of little else! So next Thursday is your big chance to elect your voice in Brussels. And you better go and do it because someone’s going to get elected! And if you don’t vote you’ve no right to complain about who you get! The Lib Dems, Labour and the Tories have all been taking their campaigns to the airwaves but quite a few smaller parties are running too. One lesser-known one is the Socialist Labour Party –– led by Arthur Scargill.That’s right, the same Scargill who took on ancient former Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher in the miners strike 25 years ago. Now he wants to take the fight to the EU –– he thinks it looks after the rich and isn’t helping working families at all. In fact he wants to pull out of Europe completely. He’s got a point. I do reckon we need our European pals though and it might be going a bit far to jump-ship totally! It’ll be interesting to see how comrade Scargill does! But of course you’ll be voting Lib Dem. Won’t you?

UNDIES ARE NO HIT

EVER been told your underwear is a bit-right wing? Well, there was scandal at Next this week when it turned out that a range of boxershorts on sale featured an image resembling Hitler! The offending undies were designed like a comic strip with many un-related ‘pop-art’ style cartoons –– but a customer got a shock when he noticed that one character looked suspiciously like the Fuhrer. Next claimed it was meant to be Russian dictator Lenin. They promptly withdrew all 5,200 pairs and issued an apology. Just as well! Only a nutter would want to put a dictator next to his knackers. The same goes for ladies underwear –– after all what self respecting Daily Sport girl, would want Saddam all over her bum?

CALM DOWN THERE LADS

EVER heard of the Korean war? It was a bust-up in the early 50s between Communist North Korea (backed by China and the Soviet Union) and the democratic South Korea (backed by the Americans, the Brits and a bunch of others). The fighting stopped with a ceasefire in 1953 but the war never actually officially ended. Now things could get messy again. On Wednesday the North got shirty with their Southern

neighbours and said they don’t recognise the ceasefire anymore. It all kicked off because the naughty North has been mucking about with atom bombs. Everyone got very worried because they’ve got a nasty dictatorship and big bombs in the hands of bad men is never a good thing. The Americans have started searching ships in the area to stop nuclear materials getting into the North and the South has joined in. This hacked off the Northern bosses and they’ve threatened military action. What needs to happen is for everyone to take a step back and start talking again. Negotiations were going well a few years ago but have broken down since. Like two boisterous blokes in a pub, the North and South need to sit down and talk it through. There’s all the difference between going nuclear in an argument over the footy and
going nuclear across a border.

I'll speak up for Martin

IT looks like Mr Speaker is on his way out the door. After loads of criticism and personal attacks, he finally announced he’s quitting on June 21—the first speaker to be forced out of his post in 300 years! All of this stems from the on-going witch-hunt over MPs’ expenses. Although there’s a lot to be said in defence of MPs, it’s pointless, because you wouldn’t believe me. But the thing is, MPs have got fed up with the whole thing and were looking for someone to blame. Speaker Michael Martin is that fall guy. It all came to a head last Monday. A bunch of MPs had a go at Mr Martin in a series of rather personal attacks. They accused him of causing a lot of the problems facing Parliament. The Speaker weathered the storm. But 24 hours later he came back and in one of Parliament’s shortest ever statements said he was throwing in the towel. The whole spectacle made me cringe with embarrassment. Normally, the Commons is polite, but there was not much courtesy to Speaker Martin. Who’s going to be the next Speaker? My favourites are Lib Dem Sir Alan Beith and Tory John Bercow. But it’s an open field, like the Grand National, you’d be mad to bet all your cash on a “dead cert.” Still, it’s a sad day when a Speaker is treated like this. Michael Martin was alright and didn’t deserve the humiliation. If this is how we’re all going to behave in Parliament, we may as well replace normal debate with a set of stocks and throw rotten fruit at each other. And then elections could be decided with a mud wrestling contest. It wouldn’t be any messier than what’s just happened in the House.

Burma thugs are insein!

THERE was more bad news for the poor people of Burma this week when the democracy leader Aung San Suu Kyi was locked up in prison and put on trial. For the last 45 years the country has been ruled by a bunch of military thugs who shoot protesters, starve the nation and try to wipe out ethnic minorities. Anyone who has seen the latest Rambo movie, which is about Burma, knows how bad things are. Suu Kyi has spent the last 20 years trying to get freedom and human rights for the Burmese people—you know, the little things like having enough food to feed your family, being able to criticise the government without being shot or read a foreign newspaper without being thrown in jail. She won a democratic election in 1990 but the dictatorship just ignored the result and put her under house arrest. She’s been there pretty much ever since with the regime’s guards all around her. But last week an American man managed to break in and pay her a visit. Anyone can see that’s not her fault but the lunatics who rule the country have used it as an excuse to carry on giving her a hard time. They’re now keeping her in Insein prison—a place that makes Guantanamo bay look like a holiday camp. It’s important that the world gets right behind Suu Kyi. She’s a great lady who just cares about her people. If the dictatorship get their way, things over in Burma are just going to get worse and worse.

Up the creek without a navy

MORE than 400 years ago the Spanish Armada set off for England to launch an invasion. Luckily for us the good ol’ British navy sailed in and managed to smash most of the Armada before the rest was taken out by a convenient storm. These days it looks like our naval defences might not be quite up to scratch. While our authorities have been spending millions of pounds on intelligence, police, and airport security, we’ve left our coasts guarded by just nine navy ships and a few police boats! A group of MPs are getting quite worried about this because it leaves us open to a terrorist threat and frankly, if the Spanish tried again, they’d probably get as far as Kensington before anyone noticed. I agree that our protection might need beefing up a little and that we need a few more boats out there. However, if we were invaded by beauties like my beach loving buddy Veronika Zemanova and her pals we’d welcome them with open arms.

We have lift off

BRITAIN announced yesterday that Major Timothy Peake is to be its first “official astronaut”. That confuses me, because Brits have been in space before. So were those trips into orbit “unofficial”? Did the UK chaps sneak on board as stowaways? And what does it mean to be an “official British astronaut”? While everyone else is in their space suits, will Tim have to wear a knotted hanky on his head? Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for Brits in space. In fact, we’re lucky to have the chance, since the UK government has given about 50p to the European manned space programme.

Not all MP's are naughty

EXPENSES! Expenses! Expenses! That’s all anyone’s been talking about down in Westminster for the last week or two. Ever since the Daily Telegraph started to share information about MPs’ expenses, it’s been front page news. This is a great pity. In fact, 99% of expenses are completely in order but you’d never think it from all the horror stories which have been printed. Sadly, it is not the intention of the Telegraph to represent a fair view of all this. Having possibly paid for this stolen information, they’re determined to make the very most of it. And that means maximising the bad news. In reality, the expenses system is a bit weird. There’s something called the London Living Allowance, which MPs who have to travel to London every week can claim to pay for their time away from home. This is the one the Telegraph is wetting its pants about.I suppose it’s mainly because there have been a few funny claims. One chappie claimed to have his moat cleaned. Another had a chandelier sorted. But most of it is mundane. Yours truly has also been dragged into all this. Apparently, I claimed a summons bill of 40 quid for some overdue Council Tax. Oops! Funnily enough, although I did pay it back, it turns out I probably didn’t have to—so even this criticism was probably not right. All the same, the general mood is to portray us all as naughty people on the make. It’s a shame. You’d probably like most MPs if you met them. It’s also a shame that the actions of the Telegraph have not been properly scrutinised. I suggest you stick to the Sport. You know what you’re getting, and, unlike the Telegraph’s info none of the boobs are remotely dodgy.

HEY, you are planning to vote, aren’t you mate? Uh-oh. “Vote for what?” I hear you asking with a yawn. Well, in case you’ve forgotten, it’s the European elections in a few weeks time. Wahey! June 4 is the day you get to choose who represents you in the European Parliament. Even as I write this, I can sense you getting bored. But perk up! The folks you send to Brussels make more difference than you might realise. Some people think the European Parliament is responsible for crazy stuff –– like sending us straight bananas, abolishing the Queen and replacing Manchester United with a French women’s hockey team called Madamoiselles de Unite. Not so. All that rubbish is basically made up by people who are afraid of foreigners or didn’t notice the war ended 64 years ago (we won). What you DO get is some sensible food regulations so you won’t die if you eat a kebab in Greece and safety rules so that when you land in Majorca the plane doesn’t fall into a pothole. The other thing it does is give British people something to moan about. You could moan about the fact that the Italians once elected Benito’s granddaughter, a topless model called Alessandra Mussolini, to parliament –– while we got Ann Widdecombe. OK, Ann’s a better MP –– but frankly, Alessandra has other priceless assets!

THE Belgian city of Ghent has come up with a novel way to save the planet –– and lose a few pounds. Officials have declared that from now on, one day a week will be a “vegetarian day” and load of “vegetarian street-maps” will be handed out showing where the hottest veggie restaurants are. The idea started because of the damage we cause to the environment with “intensive meat production”. Huge areas of rainforest are cut down so farmers can graze thousands of cattle to turn into tasty burgers. But spare a thought for the Ghent McDonalds –– they’re not lovin’ it!

HITLER has finally lost his head in Germany! A man called Frank Lachner went into the waxwork museum in Berlin and ripped the head off his model. Apparently, Frank’s an ex-policeman and pushed past guards to get to Adolf’s effigy. Frank has been fined 900 Euros, which these days is worth about 900 quid. He must have been really Fuhrerious!

Bacon butty still on menu

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Keep it up Darling!

IT’S been a big week in Parliament with the Chancellor announcing the budget for next year. And all in all it’s pretty good. The government says it’s pulling out all the stops to protect 500,000 jobs. Redundancy pay is going up by £30 a week. And people who have been out of work for a year will get extra support. There’s also going to be more help for parents with disabled kids and old people who struggle to pay their fuel bills. The £20 on child tax credits is good, too – but that still barely covers more than the basic living costs. There also was good news for the environment with a whopping £525 MILLION being spent on “renewables” – so we can power our TVs and kettles without boiling the planet. Even the predicted price rises on booze and ciggies weren’t so bad – pints are up by a penny and fags by 7p a pack. Even in a recession that’s just about affordable.

Promises

But we need the government to follow through on their promises. They’ve said that by January all unemployed under 25s will get a job or training. And they have promised 54,000 new sixth-form places. These are great offers – but they’ve got to turn it into action – and fast. David Cameron wasn’t wrong when he said that the economy is in a mess – anyone can see that. Will it go far enough? £1.7 billion is being invested in the job centre network – but this is no good if we don’t have enough jobs to go round. And with more companies going under each week, things look bleak. Overall, the recovery plan looks good, although not as good as Sport stunna Kelly McGregor (left). But I won’t celebrate till it actually makes a difference. Let’s hope Gordon’s boys can pull it off – we really need this to work.

ROYAL FORCE MAKES COMEDY OF COPS

RUMOURS are rife of strange goings on in Buckingham Palace. Officers of the elite Royal Protection Group have now been accused of sleeping on duty and trading drugs and hardcore porn. And in Buckingham Palace there are claims they’ve been sitting on the Queen’s throne in comical poses. What the HRH is that all about? The claims came out in a court case over a bobby who’s accused of conning his colleagues out of some dosh. And with public confidence in the cops at an all-time low it’s really not what they need. Those at the top better get things straightened out because policing, at the minute, is looking less like The Bill and more like Police Academy.

HOW do you make a book a best-seller? Easy. Give it to Barack Obama when hundreds of cameras are watching. And that’s just what socialist Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez did at the Americas summit this week. Chirpy Chavez hopped up from his seat, wandered over to Barack, shook hands and gave him a copy of Open Veins Of Latin America, a left-wing history of the continent. This got picked up by the press and next thing, BAM! The book shot from No 54,295 on the Amazon book sales charts all the way up to No 2. And while the book flew up the charts faster than an eagle on Red Bull, US-Venezuela relations also took a lift. You see, the good old U.S. of A. have never really seen eye-to-eye with their neighbours Down South. Things were especially tense between Chavez and Bush. The two basically hated each other and would have been more likely to exchange fists than gifts. Hopefully Hugo’s idea of a present to the new President will help smooth things out a bit. There is one slight hitch though. The book is in, er, Spanish. So let’s hope it’s got nice pictures. Hasta La Vista, Senor El Presidente

UH-OH! There’s been another folder fudge-up outside Downing Street. This week’s blunder came from government minister Hazel Blears. She wandered out of Downing Street with the press happily snapping away. She looked very professional and composed but there was just one tiny schoolgirl error—she was holding confidential documents outlining flash Gordon’s new plans for MPs expenses, outside her folder in full view of the cameras. Sound familiar? It’s exactly what bumbling bobby Bob Quick did with top secret documents on terrorists raids just the other week. Luckily for Hazel, and for the government, the plans had been publicly announced before the journos noticed just how much the photos revealed. But it’s another valuable lesson to MPs, cops and anyone else wondering around with confidential documents – put them in a folder, but not a clear one as Housing Minister Caroline Flint did the same day. Of course, even then you are not safe – Culture Secretary Andy Burnham did everything right on Monday until he left his restricted documents on a train – whoops! Maybe I should do that. If I want to tell everyone where I’m going on holiday and who with I’ll carry the tickets in a see-through folder marked SECRET – and, hey presto, it’ll be front page news tomorrow.

Tackle these daft frogs

I HOPE you didn’t try getting the ferry to France this week because the English Channel was shut. A fleet of French fisherman got themselves all wound up about their fishing quotas. British fishermen would have signed a petition and marched round Westminster waving their tackle in the air.

Crippling

But that’s not good enough for the French. They had to block off the ferry ports with their boats and bring everything to a seaborne standstill. It was utter chaos with thousands of lorries en route to France parked all the way along the M20 in Kent. Passengers were stranded on both sides of the Channel and no-one was getting anywhere. If the French fishing folk have genuine grievances about their livelihood, then fair enough. But crippling everyone’s trade, tourism and reputation wasn’t brilliant, was it? So let’s hope the situation gets sorted before the French run out of cider, we run out of onions and Daily Sport babe Gemma Massey has to dress up like Vera Lynn and fly across to sing about Bluebirds over the White Cliffs of Dover.

DRIVEN TO DRINK

THE government want to take benefits off alcoholics on the dole until they get treatment. Whoever came up with that idea must have been pretty sozzled himself. Firstly, there are too few alcohol treatment services as it is and many of them have stupendous waiting lists. Also, causes of alcoholism include poverty, unemployment and the threat of having your house repossessed. Cutting off people’s benefits isn’t going to take them out of alcoholism, it’s going to push them further into it. And what about partners and children of alcoholics? They need the benefit money for life’s little luxuries, like heating and food. Cutting benefits of parents with a drink problem is like telling their kids “just in case you’re not already suffering enough, we’re going to make sure you freeze and starve as well.”

TORIES PLAYING A DANGEROUS GAME

EVEN though Parliament’s not been sitting for two weeks, the bitching just hasn’t stopped. Latest in the “Hall of Shame” is talk of “smear campaigns” and “obscene messages.” Basically, a fella called Damian McBride who works for Flash Gordon Brown sent some e-mails to his mate Labour blogger Derek Draper. The e-mails contained ideas for rumours about top Tories. Another blogger by name of Paul Staines, aka Guido Fawkes, got hold of the e-mails. The papers found out and bang! It’s front page news. Smear campaigns aren’t my idea of good politics. They involve petty personal swipes and nothing about policies. As a victim of such rubbish myself, I can tell you they really suck – and the people responsible for them have no place in public life or the media. McBride has rightly got the sack and Gordon is trying to apologise for the whole mess. But I offer a warning. The Tories better be careful about taking the “moral high ground,” crying crocodile tears and demanding apologies. In the past they’ve been happy enough to use smear tactics and did not apologise. They should quieten down over this grubby affair before their less-than-glorious past comes back to haunt them.

MORE shocking footage of police tactics at the G20 summit shows a stroppy sergeant battering a female protester who was swearing at him. It’s obvious from the video she was giving the copper a lot of verbal. But that’s no excuse for what the bumbling bobby did next, smacking the woman in the face then beating her round the legs with his baton. All this is on top of the sorry story of that poor bloke who died of a heart attack after being pushed over by the police. Sure, they’ve a tough job to do. But individual officers need to act professionally and with restraint. That’s what they’re trained to do. Such violence is never justified, whether it’s by out-of-control anarchists or out-of-control cops. All the footage is now with the so-called Independent Police Complaints Commission. It doesn’t have a great record when it comes to fairness but let’s hope there’s enough public pressure this time for a genuine investigation.

GORD, THAT YANKEE OOZES STYLE

SO big man Barack turned up in London from the US this week —and did you see what he brought with him? Five hundred staff, a flipping huge chopper (by which I mean a big helicopter) and the coolest car going. That’s travelling in style. President Obama not only had political advisers along, he also had people to do his hair and 200 security guards. He even brought a surgeon, other medical staff and several drivers to take him round in his one-of-a-kind Chrysler known as “The Beast”. It comes with some pretty funky features that certainly aren’t standard. These include bullet-proof glass, oxygen cylinders and even a tear-gas cannon. Watch and weep. I envy him. When I drive myself down to Parliament every week, I’m lucky if I get a hitchhiker for company and a packet of Wotsits for lunch. And while Barack’s got a mobile hospital, if I feel off-colour I have to take a couple of Aspirin and take a snooze in a motorway service station.

Relations

Still, I’m not complaining. I don’t get chased by terrorists, and don’t spend every day of my life listening to other world leaders telling me everything’s my fault and asked if could I lend them a couple of billion dollars. The fact Mr O visited the UK as his first presidential port of call is good for Anglo-American relations. But when you’ve got friends as swanky as the Obamas, next time Gordy goes West, he’d better not turn up in a Ford Cortina and with a bad haircut.

MOB-THINKING ALL WRONG

AS I predicted in last week’s Daily Sport, it went mental in London during the G20 summit. That was a conference of heads of state from around the world. They came to figure out what to do about the collapsing global economy. Lots of peaceful protesters were understandably annoyed at bankers and they tried to make their point. Sadly, the usual “rent-a-mob” was also out in force. These loopy anarchists attacked police and smashed property. They turned a legitimate protest into a mini-riot. By trashing public property they cost the taxpayer tons of cash— despite having no clear cause or demands, apart from just being angry about everything. I’m all in favour of protesting but the most effective way is to say what you want, express yourself clearly and make a big noise about it… Don’t go about destroying public property and beating up bobbies who, after all, are just doing their job. Fair play to the protesters who stood up for real issues like poverty and climate change. But shame on the handful who took it upon themselves to commit mindless violence. If that’s their idea of democracy, they’re living in the wrong country.

NOW, be honest. Have you ever watched an “adult film”? Of course you have. But I bet that fact never showed up on the front page of every newspaper. So pity our Home Secretary Jacqui Smith, whose husband was exposed for having a butchers at blue movies while she was away on business. The story came out because they’d claimed the cost of the videos on Parliamentary expenses. Is it a scandal? Oh come on! The expenses thing was obviously just a careless mistake— the blue movies were buried in part of a general television bill or something. So, for once, leave Citizen Smith alone. And as for you, Mr Smith, next time order it through the Daily Sport, mate—and DON’T claim it on expenses.

THINGS have been tense recently between North Korea and South Korea. While they share a name, they’re totally separate countries. North Korea is a communist dictatorship, while South Korea is a democratic free market. Now Communist North Korea, which has atom bombs, is planning a big “missile test”. That’s the political equivalent of taking your willy out and shaking it about in front of your neighbours. To make things worse, there’s been arguing and scrapping along their border for months. That’s why tensions were high when, on Wednesday, the Korean rivals played against each other in a football World Cup qualifier. This match could have ended with a very bad nuclear bang. Amazingly, the Northerners went South and had a nice time. The South won 1-0 but the threatened trouble didn’t arise. I’m relieved it went well. As we know, football rivalries can drive a wedge between people. It’s one reason Argentina and England aren’t best pals. But they can also bring nations together. Hopefully, this Korean derby can be a turning point in relations. After all, if they don’t have a fight over football, the rest must surely be a breeze.